You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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