2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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