Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
