gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
