Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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