To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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