it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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