peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Still dying that you shit outside
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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