fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you still have your period?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think my moral compass just broke
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
