he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
