so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
