I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
