Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
