you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You did what with his pubic hair?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
