meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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