it was like his penis was on wheels.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
