I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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