Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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