remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
