you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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