the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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