apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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