The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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