i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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