My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
