I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
