True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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