she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
