Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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