My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize