Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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