I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
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its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
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I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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