what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
