I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
