is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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