I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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