just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
