they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
