I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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