Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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