if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
