I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
