Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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