Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
