You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
