I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
