woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
