we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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