dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
