my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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