My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
