I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tell her she can't have a vagina
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
