there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
