he thought i was a dude.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
