I like to think it a success when the cops are called
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
