he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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