i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
