Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
