'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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